Wow, my god, holy shit.....just some of the words I uttered as I cringed my way through what I can only describe as a steaming pile of over hyped turd. If like me you have a penis and a pair of testes I imagine you were filled with excitement when the news hit, the mother of all action films was coming, starring the Godfathers of guns, the patron saints of one liners, the dogs of death, Stallone, Willis and Arnie. They would be called the Expendables, a group of highly trained mercenaries capable of kicking ass and taking names and also partaking in some battlefield based witty banter.
So the film kicks off with the Mercs taking on a group of Somalian pirates who have kidnapped the crew of a boat as you can imagine the pirates get an ass whooping. Cue trip to see the always amazing Micky Rourke who doubles as a tattoo artist and the contact for all the dodgy work the Expendables get. Barney (Stallone) excepts a job that "will take them to hell and back", so Barney goes to see the man who is offering him the job, its Bruce Willis and Arnie turns up as a rival Mercenary who doesn't like playing in the jungle. This scene was supposed to be a legendary moment, it misses the mark completely, the job gets accepted blah blah yak yak Bruce threatens Sly blah blah. Barney and Lee Christmas (Statham, that's right Christmas, brother to Lloyd) take a trip to some fucked up Island where a general has been corrupted by a rouge CIA agent (Eric Roberts, hamming it up nicely) and his heavy (Stone Cold Steve Austin). Barney who has never been in love meets a women waaaaaaay out of his league and falls in love with her after she teaches him a lesson about giving, MEH.
A car chase and an Expandable going bad later all the Expendables go back and blow the shit of the Island and save the princess, that turns out to be the filthy generals daughter (what a twist) and then leave her there because Barney prefers the company of Statham, Li, Crews, Couture and Lungren (to some extent).
This film was bad, it was badly written and badly directed by Mr Stallone (he wrote Rocky and won an oscar for it, Rocky is amazing). He really dropped a bollock on this one. The worst thing is the dialogue its just so bad and unconvincing. Every line seems to have been written as a clever one liner but they are all so bad none of the conversations make sense. One speech is good but I think that's because its made by Micky Rourke who provides the only engaging 2 minutes of the film ( I would have paid to watch a 2 hour Rourke monologue rather then this). The story, what story there isn't one it a series of set pieces and fillers that are so fucking boring it felt like I was Expendable. With a cast of old school and new school action heroes the acting was never going to be Oscar worthy, but its taken to another level here, the supposed funny banter between the Expendables is so pointless and unfunny that it was painful to watch (Tom Hanks did better with a dog in Turner and Hooch). I kind of felt sorry for the cast, only Rourke had the talent to make it work. Action, it was....ok, not mind blowing but ok, it entertained but didn't give me a full on robot chubby. I really did not like this film.
In short.......SHIT A STEAMING PILE OF SHIT.
Rating 2/10
P.S Magnum go join the go fuck yourself gang and then go fuck yourself.
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