The Expendables - MAGNUM

My Rating: 1/10 No wonder Van Damme and Seagal are nowhere to be seen.

HERE IT IS MEN – OUR MALE EQUIVLANT TO SEX AND THE CITY 2 AND YES IT’S JUST AS SHIT AS THAT!!!

Well what can I say sometimes I really can’t be arsed writing these reviews just like Hollywood can’t be arsed making decent action flicks anymore – I could simply summarise this film in one word – SHIT, maybe three words – MOTHER FUCKING SHIT, but where would the fun be in that – To the Magnum-mobile...

You could say The Expendables is the piss poor swan song of our 80’s and 90’s stars, led by steroid pumping Stallone mumbling his way through the film. Bruce Willis shows up taking time out from ruining his Die Hard franchise offering Stallone’s character a job to take out some general who controls a small island near the Gulf. A wooden looking Arnie pops his head in (the CGI Arnie from T4, looked more lifelike than this guy) just so he can tell Stallone that he can take this job, probably because he’s realised he can’t be an action star for the rest of his life so decided to get a proper job as a politician – maybe he should tell Stallone to do the same.

Anyway the gang scout the island on a reconnaissance mission – explosions ensure – go back home – car chase + fight scene – back to the island – more explosions ensure and that’s about it and this shit is written by the guy who brought us the Oscar winning Rocky – what the fuck went wrong???

I tell you what went wrong Hollywood got greedy – it’s all about the money and coming up with whacky ideas like “hey why don’t we get all those old ass action stars together in one film, it’ll be like THE BEST ACTION FILM EVER...” NO IT FUCKING WON’T!!! And I’ll tell you why – the reason why we don’t really have any action stars of the 21st century and still have to rely on these granddads to entertain us is because the lack of originality Hollywood brings to the big screen these days, because they’re too scared to take risks and dumbing down stuff to lower certificates so the kiddies can go and watch too = more money in their filthy pockets.

It wasn’t these so called action stars that made the films back then – it was the films that made them the stars. Rocky, First Blood, The Terminator Predator and Die Hard were all brilliant films all down to the amazing stories that were told and it’s these films that set these stars off into superstardom.

That’s the problem with this film it’s all glossy on the cover with the cast that has been put together but when you look further – It’s lacking any creativity that we use to have back in the day, it’s just another mundane Hollywood action flick with hundreds of explosions thrown in, ridiculous fight scenes and lots of knife throwing because that’s what the kids want – fuck story, well I say FUCK YOU HOLLYWOOD!!! I’m off to illegally download some shit so I can watch your empire crumble, or maybe I’ll just download some porn... yeah probably porn.

MAGNUM’S VERDICT: Stallone and Co please just call it a day, take a leaf out of Mel Gibson’s book and become a racist, wife-beating alcoholic – at least you’ll be on TV!!!

PEACE

Tom France

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